I was the one who recently wrote about this bothering me so much to the point that I can´t sleep properly anymore. Thanks for your kind words on that; you´re right, I do need to take care of myself… it took me days to figure out that this has probably triggered my own, deeply buried trauma all over again (while I thought I had worked it through and overcome it a long time now).
I don´t want to get into it too much; just this: I barely survived a Narc (3 days in the ICU), my unborn (our unborn child) didn´t. My situation was quite similar to the H&M debacle, only with the roles reversed – I was the one who was pretty well known, in the newspapers and on TV in my country at the time, doing incredibly well and living a financially stable life, he was barely making ends meet and his life and family were a dysfunctional mess. After he was done with me, I had nothing anymore and was basically “everybody´s asshole”, as we say here, while he walked away with a fantastic job, a BMW, a new house, even a new home country.
Anyway, I remember during the worst phase of abuse, triangulation, gaslighting, etc. I was emotionally and physically deteriorating, becoming more and more unhinged, venting to people who were close to me. One of them was a therapist (she only listened in her capacity as friend though). I spent maybe a good hour raging, crying, complaining about how I absolutely HATED every single character trait, habit and treatment of my persona that the had exhibited for almost a year at that time. At some point she gently stopped my rant and asked why I was still in the relationship. My response was: “Because I love him more than my own life! Why do you think, duh!” She looked at me silently for a few seconds and then asked me: “After you just spent all this time telling me every bad thing about him and how you hate his guts….uhm, what exactly is there that you LOVE about this person?”
It felt as if she had hit me with a shovel. I realized the total irrationality of my own words. But I couldn´t give her an answer, I honestly had no clue. I only knew that both emotions existed within me and in extreme form. And then I started to defend him. No it´s like that… you don´t know the real him… he is a great person…it´s just the stress now, and because he lost his job…. I began finding all kinds of excuses and negating everything I had just said about him, painting him a saint.
It took years for me to figure out the answer to my state of madness. The problem was that I didn´t love the real him. I had fallen in love with the fake him. The man he had portrayed in the first 4 months, and that had made me so insanely happy, elated, drunk with sexual pleasure, the guy that had doted on me with romantic gifts, trips and gazillions of love notes, whom I had longed for in every waking moment due to us being apart so often (airline pilot). The man who had dressed to my personal taste and had shared my hobbies. That was the man I loved, that I wanted and that I held onto in my memory. But this had never been his true self. When his real persona emerged in full force – the complete opposite of me and all my personal tastes in men, physically and emotionally brutal – I could not wrap my brain around it. Total cognitive dissonance. So I wasted almost two years of my life trying to make him revert back to that man. I was terrified to end up alone and not getting married, and I was convinced he was the only with whom a marriage would occur (because none of my partners before had proposed and I was approaching 30).
This is why it´s so terrible to be the victim of a Narc and why you look insane to the people on the outside with your contradicting actions and statements. The Narc will abuse you brutally, you will cry and rage… and the next day you go out and buy flowers to apologize to them. The Narc will humiliate you in public… and when you get home you will cook them their favorite dish in the hopes to make them act in a loving way towards you again. The Narc will cheat on you… and you will hate the lover and try to hunt them down. You will tell a friend in the morning (while you´re confident and have found a shred of your former pride again) that you will finally break up today when they get home….and then the Narc walks in as if they had smelled it, tells you that they are ending the relationship… and you break down and beg them not to leave.
People close to you at some point will start to kick your ass, saying: “We constantly hear and see you unhappy, but you don´t break it off. You cry to us about how you fought last week because he allegedly cheated on you, but on Saturday you came to dinner with him and you were hugging, kissing, smiling. He calls, you jump. He wants this and that, we never see you put your foot down. Honey, if it really were this bad, you would have walked out a long time ago. Knowing the badass person you can be in every other aspect of life… you shit on all of us if need be, you quit an unsatisfying job in an instant without remorse, but you wanna tell us that you can´t end it with someone who you claim abuses you? Girl, bye. Stop telling us crap to garner sympathy, you´re just desperate for attention.”
I believe that Harry could be in exactly this phase right now. He hates what he sees (the real MM emerging behind closed doors) and how he feels around her, he hates what is happening around him and what a downward spiral his life and reputation is taking, but he remembers the fake dreamgirl persona and isn´t able to make sense of how these two things can/cannot go together. He wants the discomfort to stop and has millions of moments where he wants her gone, but right the next second he panics at the thought of being alone again and also being ridiculed for not having gone through with a wedding. He wants the entire world to see the dreamgirl he initially saw – because then he could justify why he got involved with her – and is emotionally and mentally shocked that the world refuses to do him that favor. He knows deep down inside that it cannot work, but is irrationally hellbent of hopefully proving himself and everyone else wrong, he´s hoping that she will revert back to what she was in the beginning stages.
This is the go-to-strategy of a Narc – they secure you while you are drunk on lust and love, then let the mask slip when you´re already too deep in a mess to get out unscathed, when you have made promises, have invested too much time and money, have bound yourself legally by buying property together etc. Every Narc makes sure to have something on you to keep you in check while you´re still in their fangs, and to burn the house down with you inside if you dare to kick them to the curb. So I am sure she has something that´s serious enough, and she didn´t drop that VF remark for nothing.
First of all! Thank you for sharing your story! What I have no doubt about is how strong you are…and how much you have learned! This is a story you were meant to share. People need to hear this..,.yes, it sounds like harry could be caught in this Groundhog Day as well….I do believe that VF remark was a message for sure…..thank you for giving us such a clear message, and hopefully people will understand this is real…the pain is real! And, yes please take care of you! You are amazing! You have a friend here! God Bless!😊❤️🐼
thanks anon for sharing with all of us 🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹