‘DUKE OF VICTIMHOOD DARES OWNER(S) OF MEGA-MILLION LUXURY MANSION TO EVICT HIM OR TO SEND IN THE BAILIFFS’
* Duke of Victimhood, prompted by the Duchess of Grifting, dares the owner(s) of the over-the-top splendiferous mansion they are currently staying in for free to ‘just try’to ever evict them!
* Claims that they are Internationally Recognized Homeless Persons with ‘no independent income’ of their own, and that they therefore have ‘a sovereign right’ to ‘squat’ in the unused luxury property for as long as they wish.
* Duke warns that they now have their own ‘crew’ of armed professionals guarding them, well-paid by ‘sympathizers’ through ‘voluntary extortion’, so any attempt to send in the bailiffs or to serve eviction notices would ‘not be wise’.
* Warns that ever-watching papp photographers will also instantly photograph and flash around the world any forcible and unfeeling attempts to remove these globally-appreciated elephant-loving part-time wildlife rescuers.
* Duke says that if the owner(s) want to haggle over petty details like ‘rent’, they should talk to his Dad – although he warns that his Dad is also now ‘perilously skint’ at this point, too, though ‘not actually homeless himself’! ‘Anyway’, he added, ‘Since my Grandmother virtually owns the entire country, there’s no real issue here, is there?’
* Duke of Victimhood, with the Duchess’s loving encouragement, has now taken to calling himself ‘Henry IX’, to emphasize their unjustly and now-lost ‘right’ to Royal status.
* Says owner(s) of the property should be grateful that he and Duchess of Grifting ‘have deigned’ to make this palatial mansion the ‘epicentre’ of their ‘plan to awaken the world’. Says that they may also ‘make a few bucks’ in the process, so they might be able to chip in towards things like ‘the electricity bill’ sometime in the future.
* Duke thanks the Duchess of Grifting for her devoted love, careful planning, high-powered ‘connections’ and steely determination, which finally enabled both of them to ‘make this dash for freedom and to restore our crushed souls’.
* Reminds disappointed owner(s) of the magnificent mansion, who had perhaps expected at least some ‘benefits’ on the side from the yachting Duchess, that ‘Nothing in life is free – except when it’s for us!’ and advises them to ‘just suck it up’, as he was forced to when virtually enslaved by his previous ‘oppressive’ and ‘toxic’ situation.
* Excuses himself abruptly and withdraws at her urging for some skillful ‘relaxing and re-bonding time’ with the dexterous Duchess.
…Thank goodness the Press would never stoop to reporting such salacious, obvious and unfounded fabrications!