My big prediction is: SECOND PREGNANCY!!! Anyone else with me?
The UK press will threaten not to go because Brexit drama is in full swing, but they show up anyway because the Sussexes tell them that Meghan is preggo and they will get bump pics and Archie baby pics and Harry will walk through a minefield with a Halo vest like his mom did. Tim Rooke expresses skepticism but joins the tour anyway. Rebecca English skips the tour and covers PC and Camilla instead. Camilla Tominey skips the tour to focus on Brexit. Richard Palmer skips the tour because he has to wash his hair.
Jess pap-walks at Heathrow airport to get the “styling Meghan for her tour press” and show she’s totally not ghosted.
The reporters end up only getting shots of a baby-sized bump under an organic cotton baby blanket and Harry wears the vest, but does not walk through the minefield. Brexit drama overshadows the whole tour. The press ends up even more pissed than they were before.
Meghan bellycups, but not as much as in Australia.
They do a lot of behind-closed-doors events with pics released through their IG. They tell the press they are doing it to protect the baby and because Megs is pregnant and not feeling well. Chris Jackson takes all the pics. The press gets angrier and angrier.
Meghan skips the outdoor events claiming she has to take care of the baby. Harry has to visit his surfing charity alone. He gets aggressive with the press and says something about the environment.
They have a food event. Meghan talks about spices and distributes signed copies of her cookbook. A DM commenter asks why she didn’t write inspirational messages for the chefs on the decorative plantains.
Meghan doesn’t wear any South African brands and wears a hideously expensive couture gown to an embassy office party. She wears an item from her own collection and it gets more press than anything else she wears because her staff forgets to cut off the tag. Melanie Bromley shows she’s gone native by non-ironically using the phrase “bless her heart” on air.
Meghan orders that the normals be kept away from her and an “overzealous bodyguard” is blamed for it. Ken Wharfe hits the tabloid and morning show circuit telling everyone that Diana would have handled it better.
They take a private plane. Piers Morgan half-heartedly calls them hypocrites on television, but he doesn’t write a column about it because he’s too busy with Brexit.
Rumors about house-shopping abound. The DM reveals that Harry and Meghan went house-shopping and fell in love with a $200 million gated community villa on a cliff with a killer ocean view, and it will cost UK taxpayers a bazillion billion pounds a year to secure it.
Meghan wears a see-through item of clothes. Omid writes a five-article explaining how it’s actually an optical illusion.
Harry visits Sentebale on his own.
The private plane, gated villa, and couture gown stories gain traction, so the Sussexes leak a fake story to Emily Andrews about how Harry bought take-out at a local Nando’s because Meghan had a craving. Richard Palmer calls Nando’s from London and they deny it.
They take Archie to meet a member of the Mandela family behind closed doors, and they post black-and-white pics taken by Chris Jackson and Mandela quotes on their IG. Even though the UK press was told there would be no press at the event because Archie has to be protected from evil reporters, someone from CBS magically appears on-site and Gayle King gets an exclusive. Omid explains that Gayle was vacationing in SA with her cameraman and she had no idea there was a tour going on. She ducked into the Mandela Museum to go to the restroom, was surprised to find Meghan there, and figured she might as well get a quick interview. A member fo the Mandela family defends Meghan and says the press criticisms are racist.
Harry is sulky during the minefield engagement. They blame it on the mummy memories. Brexit drama overshadows everything. The minefield event is almost a bust, but Tim Rooke magically gets a pic of Harry that looks exactly like the iconic Diana pic and the day is saved.
The DM reveals that Meghan’s tour wardrobe cost 100,000 pounds.
A staff member quits after the trip. Actually, make that two.
MM will tell people she is Queen of _______________